Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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