Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
