Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
