we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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