Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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