obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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