He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
