I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
