The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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