:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
