there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
