just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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