Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
