I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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