this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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