So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
