I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Your cock deserves a montage
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
