He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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