Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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