Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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