We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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