dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
