Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
