If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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