Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
