In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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