I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
