Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
