He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
