I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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