I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
