She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
