he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize