People in love make me want to vomit
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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