Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
