She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
