dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
