You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize