How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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