There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
