I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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