You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
