I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
