the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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