Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
