just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize