We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize