OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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