Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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