worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize