Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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