My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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