I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I wear drunk well.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
