Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
