I need to stop coming to work sober
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
