don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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