my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
