Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
