She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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