I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
