New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
