my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
