The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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